Birth and death. A few weeks ago after a meditation retreat, the fear of death loomed as I realized that what I am is not this body. This body is merely a vessel – a tool – to which I used to conduct and re-melt into this unwavering dance called Life. Everything arises from a space of nothing. Knowing that this experience will return into nothingness, there were feelings of despair and loss. I mourned for myself for what I had considered to be me. I almost lost the mind, shaking vigorously at one point on the bed. I recall that night, telling the universe that if I don’t wake up in this body, it’s fine. Yet behold, the next I had waken up. My time here wasn’t done. A lack of purpose of life has been looming in my life for quite some while – an existential dread. Ever since I had lost my job in 2019, it got worse. Who I was, was defined by the external. Who I was, was defined by the limitations I had taken on from societal upbringing portrayed in the news and media. I had allowed myself to be the victim. I allowed myself to be defined by the events that had taken on in life, such as getting fired. At a young age, being victim became the persona I had taken on in life and this carried on into adulthood – catering to others, people pleasing, putting myself last, neglecting my needs, neglecting my desires, living a story that perpetuated itself. I allowed myself to stay small. I allowed myself to play dumb to get what I wanted. I allowed myself to repress my emotions. I allowed myself to repress my voice, both within and vocally. I allowed myself to look down on myself. I allowed myself to be defined, for what I truly am has no labels or box. I am everything, but there is a signature within that is unique. I had forgotten to honour ME.
Too often, I had allowed myself to turn away from the uncomfortable feelings when I was with others or with myself. Behind these uncomfortable feelings were stories. Taking on the traits as “timid” and “shy” when I was child, my usual disposition was to be small – to prefer to be unseen. Others who were often in their power made me feel uncomfortable. The “I” had created a story that those in their power were “grandiose”. I then had created judgements in my head that those that were grandiose weren’t of good nature, etc. The nature was I had neglected the shadow side of myself where I had seen grandiose or being in one’s power as being “bad”. This suppressed my power via many ways.
It wasn’t until I started working with being comfortable embodying the emotion of anger in March that I began to feel more lightness and freedom in my chest. The truth about Life is that it is constant change. I had unconciously suppressed the anger within and other emotions, creating stuck emotions. Stuck emotions are stuck energy and can manifest as pain, DIS-EASEs, etc. Starting off being scared to scream into a pillow, I now scream out loud at home and at ecstatic dances. I remember the first time I screamed at the ecstatic dance, feelings of scaredness arose while I was screaming – but after that many others began expressing their anger and power out loud as well. This journey has showed me that sometimes putting ourselves first is what’s needed. Through this journey, I’ve also learned to begin to embrace the masculinity within that I had shuffled away. I had embraced the feminine qualities for most of my part in life but there was an imbalance between the masculine and feminine. Honouring that what I am is both masculine/yang and feminine/yin has freed up tensions previously stuck within the body.
The truth of who I am has no persona or mask that is placed on. Who I am is whole. However, oftentimes I allowed the stories to run my life. I became these stories. I became what others wanted. I became the unspoken societal and familial values. I became not myself. I lived a life of blindly loving other’s desires for me and neglecting myself. To realize these things, I had to put myself out there in dance workshops slowly allowing the pains and wounds I had taken on and expressing them and allowing them to be seen. I cried on the dance floor. I cried at home from the depths of my soul. I began mastering crying again where snot runs down the nose. I allowed the tears to run down onto my chest. I embraced the pains. I enjoyed the process. I enjoyed crying again – for it was something that I learned to suppress growing up. I had taken on the societal judgements that crying was weak and taboo. Sometimes the process shows damning truths that I neglected to see, so they become loud and in my face. For life isn’t just comforts. Life – for me – is facing what wants to be seen. Life – is me facing me, my truth. And living it – unapologetically. Allowing the truth of who I am to be seen, not covered. Life is all of this – the comforts and uncomforts. The only way is through.
I’ve still have ways to go, but am I proud of myself. There wasn’t anything to “fix”. Nothing was “broken”. I just needed to honour myself which I am now. I fall and stumble, but I’ve learned to stand back up – for falling and stumbling is inevitable. This work has been and is liberating for the soul. We came from a space of pitch black. It was darkness at first, just like inside the mother’s womb. So many rebirths and divisions of cells brought YOU. YOU came from the darkness – the unknown. The void. Along the way, there were pains, struggles, learnings, comforts, and losses. Our ancestors, recently passed and those whom we may have long forgotten. Through our mother and father, sperm met the egg. The egg divided into two. And there’s YOU. Within you, is the wisdom, adversities, perseverances, challenges, and gifts of your mother, father, and ancestors. But aren’t we all the same, just in different bodies that look different? But there’s also a YOU that is unique, that came here for a specific purpose – something to share with this world. Honour that and live that for when we are in our truth, do things flow. Life expresses through us when we allow. We then become Life, while in the physical.2