My body remembers the time we were in a self-inquiry dyad together in March earlier this year when another Universal-fractal mentioned racism as a form of hatred towards one-self. My body clenched as I heard this. Unbeknownst to my awareness, there was deep rejection and hatred within – towards all that I was and all that had occurred on the fictitious story-line I had been believing this whole time.
On this journey here on Earth for the last few years, I’ve been focused on this notion of healing and “perfecting” oneself. Doing X to achieve Y. It’s become baffling to realize that all this “fixing” or “trying to fix” oneself, was actually running away from mySelf and my greater Self. It was all Self-non-acceptance. I truly believe that there is one Self and all that we see outwards or inwards is just a reflection of what we see. What’s more baffling is that Daniel was actually never born – it was this fictitious character. Daniel is just a character like the others in this Grand Cosmic Play. In this Great Cosmic Play, the Universe has split itSelf into multiple, infinite parts – none that look the same, and embodying various and elaborate depths of dualistic spectrums.
In this Great Cosmic Play, all is welcome and all is permitted. All variations and permutations are permitted – none better or worse than the other – and that’s what makes it all beautiful. Birth and death is only a thing of the human mind. Nothing ever mattered and nothing has ever mattered. Everything is all relative. Size never even mattered either (that was a lesson the Universe showed me while picking out 2L apricot boxes at the grocery store)! We are all characters in this Great Cosmic Play. We are the sky, the river, the rocks, the Sun, the Moon, the Planets – all of it with different names and appearing in different forms. And we don’t know which direction this Cosmic Play will go. Just like a musical or children’s story, there’s tragedies, crying, laughter, joy, pain, heartbreak, the whole shabang. All this was always part of it, my character took it as an invitation to avoid Life and the discomfortable, but it’s actually in all of it that which makes Life beautiful and worth loving. For Life is all the good and the bad, all the Light and the Dark – and we can laugh about it, for none of it was ever personal or to be taken as “personal”. It was only personal because we let the character rule over us. We forgot who we were. And that’s fine too – because that’s part of the game too. And all this “fixing”, “changing”, or “trying to fix” certain attributes of ourSelfs actually just keeps us in the endless loop. “Trying to be [good, perfect, x, y, z]” versus just Being our true, damn Selfs. Because there’s going to be an endless, infinite things to “fix”, if we see that being imperfect is “not good enough” and that we’re “broken” or that we’re “ugly”. It’s a belief that will keep fueling itself.
What’s been a surprise for me on this journey of coming back home, is……[drumroll…]….coffee enemas! Coffee up the kahoonie. I was never a coffee drinker and now I am – up the kahoonie haha! These coffee enemas have been a wonderful part on this journey in re-Unification with Self. Unconditionally loving and thanking all that comes up including the parasites, all the difficult emotions that I had applied labels and judgements on. I was only judging mySelf this whole time – how painful! Through accepting and unconditionally allowing the pain to be there, not needing for it to go or change, is where deeper love for Me, Others, and my Greater Self has been brewing. All things that happened were perfect the way they occurred. Nothing need be changed and nothing need be resisted from flowing if it wishes to flow. All the pain and suffering we’ve (we, as in me and mySelf) endured, it’s all perfect. All the hate that I’ve given to mySelf and Others, I can forgive. I can see Beauty in the imperfection, for all the “imperfections” are what make me perfect and Beautiful.
On this journey, there’s endless tears, puffy eyelids, busted vessels in the eyelids (or that’s what it seemed), crying out loud from the pits of hell within the heart and belly on the dance floor and seeing the beauty of it all, and also endless bouts of laughter and getting naturally high off mySelf. And all this need not be traded for anything. For there is no fixed version of “me” and there never was. For I am both chaos and peace. I am the chaos in the peace, and I am the peace in the chaos. For I am the long lost lover of mySelf. I get to fall in love with everything that I had batted my eye away at. Remembering that all that I had batted my eye away at, was Me. I am the Lover and the Beloved.
Just another Universal fractal of you ;), appearing in human form here as “Daniel”